My 11 year old “little brother” looks at me and asks, “Were you ever in a pornographic movie?” The question is so sincere and he is so serious that I can’t help but burst into a bawdy cackle (a trait graciously handed down to me by my burlesque-dancing Grandmother).
“No! Of course not!” I say. He looks even more puzzled. “But I saw you in one yesterday.”
Now I’m not laughing. I’ve done a lot of odd films and shows in my 25 years in Los Angeles. Think, D.C., Think…
I know I have never been in a porno. They wouldn’t return my calls. 😉 I have never “simulated” sex in a movie (only in the back seat of a Pinto wagon during my formative years). However, I have been completely naked on film, but that was an “experimental” arty film short and I was just streaking across the USC campus and swimming in their pool… What the hell could it be?!?
Oh! I know! Playboy! I was a host for two seasons on Playboy’s Really Naked Truth.
“Was I in a tuxedo talking to the camera?”
I should explain that this 11 year old boy and I are part of a community program and that I am here to provide mentoring and support. But now I’m a bit at a loss. He then pulls out a piece of paper with notes on it.
“You were looking at a computer, watching these two girls kiss…”
Oh. My. God… This, folks, is the story of how small the world is, how coincidence is freaky enough to inspire Carl Jung, and how a quick, small paycheck 10 years earlier can lead to a very awkward conversation with an 11 year old kid.
Mind you, I was fully clothed and did absolutely nothing in the video except look at a computer monitor! Buuuut, it was a soft-core, late-night Playboy titillation video (one of a series). The producers knew me from the candid camera show I hosted and literally called me up that morning and offered me an hour of work for a decent wage. What the hell! I’m not religious, not planning on having kids and I get to keep my clothes on. Did I mention rent was due?
Now, trying to explain all that to a smart kid is still very difficult. More importantly, making sure he can convey these distinctions to his mother, should he decide to tell her, was even trickier!
“I would avoid using the word ‘porno’ when you tell her, you know, as, uh, it really wasn’t one. They were just pretending…” He had porno as one of his notes. Notes, by the way, he had written on Disney princess stationery lent to him by his friend’s little sister!
D.C. – porno – girls naked – computer.
All printed nicely on pink paper with a blue-eyed, blonde princess winking at us. The irony was sublime, yet oh-so-disturbing.
Thankfully, it all got cleared up and he was no longer “concerned” about my career choices — unlike many of you who are reading this.
Here’s what really gets me, though; how in the world did he and that video ever find each other? It was a decade ago! In a genre that churns out thousands upon thousands of trashy videos every year! What are the odds?
I found the whole thing half amusing and half astonishing… But no shame. I still understand the choice I made and would do it again… If there is any shame, it’s solely because I battled that actor’s urge to ask what he thought of my performance.
Yes, I’m going to burn in hell.